my story.

All along in my life, I knew I was never that strong. Living in this fast paced society, I know I have to be. Yet again, it's not that easy to stay strong. Have you ever had your best friend turning her back against you? Have you ever sat at lunch alone or being the extra in a group at lunch? Have you sat in class doing your homework quietly while everybody was having fun because you have no one to talk to? Have you ever complained about how tough your life and got a scolding because everybody thought you were very blessed and happy but the actual fact is that you were breaking inside? Have you ever tried so hard and yet your parents think that you were playing everyday and scolded you? Have you ever scored As for your exams and your parents saying that it is not good enough or it is just pure luck? Have you ever thought about committing suicide because you just wanted to get a break from everything? Well... I've suffered a lot this year. My parents didn't know. My teachers didn't know. My friends didn't know. My good friends in fact shove me off. How many times have I thought of suiciding? My crush didn't have feelings for me. My friends gossip about me behind my back. My family have a lot of problems. Every time I look at the pen knife I owned, I really want to take it and cut my wrist. It's not that I didn't dare. I am very daring in fact. The thought of ending my life because of all this shit to me was a coward act. Every single time I feel like cutting, I tell myself, "You love Sunggyu. If you die, you won't be able to see him anymore. His angelic voice that you love, you'll never hear it again. He probably have been through more pain and hardship than you. Why are you crying here? Stand up and stay strong for him. He don't want his fan to end her life. If he knew you ended your life, how would he feel? Just imagine that you are an idol and your fan ended her life because of all the pain she is going through... It's going to be painful even if he don't know you because human natural instincts unless he is that heartless which you know he isn't. One less inspirit means one less pearl metallic gold lightstick in the pearl metallic gold ocean. One less gyu stan means one less inspirit shouting and screaming for him. Maybe it doesn't make a difference because you are just one. What if every inspirits were to end their life just like you? Who will be there to support infinite then? Nobody... Sunggyu loves hardworking girls. You are one. Why don't you work hard for him? Why don't you use him as your motivation? Why are you crumbling and falling when he is always mentally there for you? Why? You need to stay strong because he is staying strong. There isn't any excuses for you, Cindy. Totally no excuses." My energy and strength... Sunggyu gave them to me. He made me stronger. A person I never knew I could be. I've reached my limits but because of him, I am motivated to keep on moving that I didn't know I've exceeded my limits by a lot. Being tough is a must for me because I have no emotional support all along. Whenever I cry, people get really angry with me. I can't cry nor can I scream my feelings out. My schedule this year was really tight. Events after events and I was really looking forward to resting but no... I can't rest because there isn't anytime for me to rest. I am tired physically but my mental stamina is still going strong because Sunggyu was my motivation. At times I cry because I am mentally tired but after listening to Sunggyu's voice, I regained energy. I am a girl in school that doesn't fit in well because I am different. I think really weirdly and people don't understand me. They say it's a fangirl thing and I should change. The question is "why should I change when I love myself? I love being who I am! Why must I change to fit others?" I insisted in my character which pissed my haters a lot. People who are reading my essay or whatever you call it, stay strong and find your motivation. When you are at your lowest, stand up and climb to your highest slowly. I know it's easier to say it than actually climbing. I am experiencing it right now. If I can, why can't you? When you are at your lowest, nobody can bring you down even lower. Be bold and climb! You can do it!!!